I am pleased to announce that an unnamed and highly disloyal source close to President Elect Trump has hacked into his laptop and discovered a draft of his inaugural address which, as a public service, I reprint below.
INAUGURAL ADDRESS: DONALD J. TRUMP (“I wrote it and it’s HUGE.”)
My fellow Christian Americans. I stand before you today as the forty-somethingeth (shoulda taken those briefings – they’d a told me) President of the United States. To those of you who voted for me, I express my deep gratitude. To those who didn’t, F you.
My agenda for the next four years is an ambitious one, one that bears little resemblance to anything I promised during the campaign but, I can assure you, it’s gonna be great. Just to name a few things, I’m going to radiate goodwill toward all by lowering taxes on the upper 1%. These are the job creators of our economy and deserve to be rolling in dough. And in fairness, the rest of you will continue to pay and pay to support those creators. Remember, taxation of the 99% is a privilege. It’s the American way. Or at least, the Republican way.
For another example, I offer my version of the gutting of Obamacare, the worst social program ever devised by an Afro-American Muslim Kenyan terrorist sympathizer. You know what I mean. First, we kill the mandate. Then we kill preexisting conditions. Then we kill keeping dependents on until age 26. Then we kill taxation on medical devices. Yes, I know I promised we’d replace it with something great, but, hell, I haven’t got a clue what that would be. And as everyone knows, health care isn’t a right. It’s for people who can pay for it, and if 20 million people can’t pay the freight, well, screw ‘em.
We need to improve our relationship with Russia. Vlad and I are buddies, and continuing to nurture that relationship will help me financially and only marginally destroy American security. Which leads me to comment on that whole hacking thing. There’s no way that Vlad would do that just for me – to us, I mean. And actually, I’ve heard that the hackers were actually based on Nauru, with plans to invade the West Coast after bringing us to our cyber-knees. Some guy named Assange told me that.
Finally, let me say that I truly respect all people. Excluding, of course, Muslims, blacks, Mexicans, Jews – except for my son-in-law, and I’m not too sure about him — and most anyone else who isn’t either Christian, white, male, or Ivanka. Ivanka. My little vixen!
So, my fellow Americans, let us move backward to a better time, the days of Jim Crow, no reproductive rights, and pussy grabbing without fear. After all, we are Americans, and we are going to make America great again!